Me: I want another baby. They're so cute and cuddly and smell good.
Me: What the mother flipping crap are you thinking? Do you remember the last time you went to the bathroom alone or showered for longer than 3 minutes or had a clean house or a mattress free of spit-up?
Me: But then I would have four. A nice even number.
Me: Get a dog. That makes four, too.
Me: But I'm a Mormon. Aren't Mormons supposed to have a buttload of kids?
Me: Mormons are stupid. You'll never be able to afford to get back to France at this rate.
Me: There's always France at Epcot.
Me: Are you on crack? Seriously? Besides Disney for six people is expensive.
Me: True. But I can't bear to put my baby things away for good. They're so tiny and sweet, and I love them. I can't not ever use my sweet baby blankets anymore.
Me: Think of Jack. He's got one year left in diapers and that's it. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY YOU'RE ALMOST AT THE FINISH LINE.
Me: No more itsy bitsy spider. No more Raffi. No more lavender baby soap.
Me: No more car seats! No more milk stains all over the side of your car door! No more broken remotes and ground in cheerios! NO MORE DIAPERS! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME WOMAN?
Me: Jack is so cute.
Me: So is FREEDOM! And might I add, Jack was the literal definition of hell the first year.
Me: Okay, you've got me on that one. But you do have big boobs when you're pregnant.
Me: So, okay?
Me: HECK NO.