I have a lot of things in my heart this weekend. Many things to ponder.
I went with my husband Saturday night on a date (yippee!) and made it to AN ACTUAL MOVIE, JUST THE TWO OF US WITH NO KIDS! We chose "Julie & Julia," which was a cute movie that we enjoyed. Here's the embarrassing part: I ended up in his car afterwards crying my pea-pickin' eyes out. And let me tell you, I almost went into the ugly cry, which is called ugly for a reason. Yikes.
Why? Well it took me a few minutes to self-analyze myself (and you can imagine my poor husband trying to figure out where he went went wrong on his well-planned date). But finally, the light bulb went on, and I figured it out. Of course, if we're going to be honest, let's begin with the fact I had about four hours sleep the night before. Amy + no sleep= bad things. So that didn't help. But I realized thiese feelings surfaced while watching this movie; a movie about finding your passion.
To give you the brief summary, two women feel something missing in their otherwise happy life, and set out on a trek to discover what talents they might possess, what interests they would like to pursue, what might give them joy.
So I walked out thinking, "what is my passion? how am I taking the opportunity to express myself? what am I doing for me?" I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater...in general, I love my life. I have a husband I love, I adore my children, I feel we are in a good place in life. But I have also come to learn, that you can't ignore your own personal growth and interests. I think God gave us each individual talents, interests, etc. I think it is almost our duty to develop these things, and in turn to develop ourselves. I have not being doing this lately. I've been going through the motions of each day. Ticking off things on my to-do list, seeing to other's needs, and feeling more and more unfulfilled.
I am the sort of person who believes in facing your personal demons. Too many ignore and ignore, and then do something rash when it cannot be ignored any more; the very thing you were ignoring rearing it's ugly head, demanding your attention. Let me explain what I mean. I have two good friends who had good families and lives, but never did anything for themselves. This progressed to a point (I'm leaving out a lot of details here) where they were almost in denial. You know, everything's fine, all is well, I'm okay, etc, until they realized it wasn't okay. They left their husbands and children, and basically ran off with the circus. We need to constantly be in tune with ourselves. I will be happy when we are able to get rid of stigmas. The stigma of talking to a therapist, or of knowing when your marraige needs a jumpstart, of questioning your path. Why are we so afraid to ask questions? What more is a mid-life crisis than the moment when you question your path and your attention to your dreams?
So this leads me to where I am this moment. I am asking questions of myself, and realizing that I need to do some soul nurturing. Last night my sister and I jumped on the open campus portion of the local college and saw they are offering some fabulous classes. So many things I would love to try! Just a couple years ago I took a french class and loved it. I looked forward to every Thursday night. I kissed my family good bye, went to my class, got a treat afterwards, listened to my favorite music in the car, and came home a happy me. I have a dear friend who found their joy by training for a marathon, another who is going to school. Me? I don't know quite yet, but I am thinking of signing up for a writing class. I would love to do this just for fun. Also on my list for the future? Piano lessons. Singing lessons. I'm just getting started. I'm excited.
So tonight, I encourage each of you to find your passion, your joy. How do you express yourself? What would you like to learn? When we stop learning, we stop growing. When we stop paying attention to our soul, our soul dies. I heard once we each have a triangle; the sides represent the physical, spiritual, mental. We must pay attention to each side of our triangle.
Oh by the way, don't go to the movie on an empty stomach. Thankfully, my patient and loving husband took me to a quiet restaurant where we hammered out what I was feeling and outlined a good plan. He wants me to be happy. How grateful I am for that. I am also grateful for good friends, soul sisters really. Some I know very well, some slightly, some I met online through blogs. We don't always share religious views, political views, but at it's heart we share the important things. We support, encourage, believe. This is a big part of what life is about. I could go in other directions here, but I will stop for now and save it for another day. I wish you joy in your journey.