Thursday, July 9, 2009

my thoughts tonight

Right after my sweet jack was born. suffering from the effects of a c-section and a lot of blood lost

I wish I were a better mother.

When I was growing up, my desire to be a mother was tremendous. I remember walking home from school alone, and thinking of what my future family would be like. I remember when bad things would happen; when peer pressure was strong I would think, "this doesn't matter, because one day I will have my own family and I will know who I am and that is all that will matter."

Now, I have my own family. I am a mother. I am happy to be a mother. I don't think I had any rose-colored ideas about motherhood. I did not think it would be perfect. But I did not think that --me, being me--would be this hard.

I love my children dearly. Probably more than they will know in this life. But I feel I fail them every day. And they are growing so fast, their childhoods are slipping through my fingers. I wanted to be this amazing mom. I was going to craft with them, and their rooms would be decorated perfectly. I would make amazing things for them and be present from sun-up to sundown.

I just didn't think challenges would be so difficult. I struggle with depression, I am really battling postpartum depression right now. And I swear, how do I do what I want to do when it takes all my energy to do the basic things, the bare minimum?

When I am short with them, when I tell them "not now," when I sit in a corner and read a book rather than get on the floor and play with them...I hate myself over it.

I am not expecting to be perfect. And I get that it's okay to have time for me. I just feel like by the time I "fix myself," they won't be interested in spending time with me anymore. What if they look back in life and their childhood was not what I hoped for it to be?

Does anyone else have these thoughts? I look at other blogs sometimes and the mothers seem so perfect and present. I am not so witty about coming up with superfab crafts.

I do love them. They know they are loved. I kiss their baby bodies all day long. I tell them I love them. I read to them. I take walks with them. I talk to them. I sing with them. But I don't have an amazing bedtime routine, or fantastic field trips, or hats decoupaged by me on their birthdays. I don't make decorations by hand, I don't know how to sew. Sigh. I think I'm rambling now.

I don't need to be perfect, but I don't want to have any regrets. I don't want them to look back on their childhood and have memories of a mother who could only give 40%.

I pray about this every night. I am struggling with this.


  1. oh hun. I too struggled with post-partum depression with all of my kiddos and I was on Paxil CR (which was my life saver) right up until I was told I couldnt take it during this pregnancy. post-partum can be summed up in one word "HARD", very hard in fact and sometimes you can feel as if your alone and no one understands you. I too would also look at blogs and think "wow what a perfect mom! she does so much with her kids" and look at me, I literally count down the hours til bed time and then once my kids are in bed, I feel terrible, because they are so young, but yet they are growing so fast and im missing out on so much, because I would rather be on the computer and tell them "just GIVE ME A SEC!" instead of being on the floor and playing with them. anyway my point is, try not to be so hard on yourself, just because you cant sew (I cant either *sigh* :) ) or your not the most crafty. your kids im sure have fond memories of their mommy, ones you may not even know of! gosh im talking to you as if I know you personally (I wish I did you sound like a great person), anyway as I continue to ramble on. I dont want to get too personal, but getting your depression under control first will help. I dont know how you feel about meds or even if you already have one, but what I did that helped me tremendously was- 1.) Paxil CR, once I got the correct dosage I felt so much better after about 3wks! 2.) excercise, taking walks with my kids or even by myself, was wonderful! 3.) having a good support system and being open with my hubby if I was just having a particularly hard day (he was my life saver as well) and finally I talked with a counselor and other moms about it and I was SHOCKED to find out there were mothers out there (some of them my friends) that I thought had it so perfect and they too were struggling and knowing I wasnt alone helped so much.....youll get there, just try not to be so hard on yourself. good luck blog pal!....Tiffany

  2. PPD is a horrible disease; I had it after all four of my children. I was told something that I've always tried to remember - there's no such thing as a good mother, only a good enough mother. Remember it's easy to make life look beautiful and perfect through the pictures in a blog. And for every home educating, craft making, perfect lifestyle blog mama, there's another one who is spending too much time taking photos of their so-called perfect life and blogging it, and forgetting to enjoy their children whilst they do so.

    One thing that mormon friends of mine do which is really lovely is family home evening - one night a week when it's all about the you do that? I think it's such a lovely idea.'s hard work being a mummy, isn't it?

  3. Amy, I think I was led here. I came here from cjane, you just had such a beautiful picture for your profile and I clicked on it...I never do that.

    I think these things every night. I'm still struggling to pull myself out of postpartum depression. My son just turned seven months old and though I'm doing much better, I still have days much like you.

    I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. I don't know you, but I feel like I'm supposed to tell you that you are a wonderful mother...your children love you.

    It's hard. It gets better, I promise.

    Thanks for being brave enough to share everything. I needed it. I needed to know I'm not the only one.

  4. I am also struggling with PPD. Thanks for writing so candidly. It really helps. I just try to remember a quote by Mother Theresa, "We can do no great things, but we can do small things with great love."...or something like that. I am sure you do the small things for your children and you love them. As long as they know that, really know that, their memories of childhood will be sweet. I hope we all feel better soon.


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