Showing posts with label blah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blah. Show all posts

Monday, March 14, 2011

Please do not play that "I Had A Bad Day" song. I just got it out of my head.

So I'm having a rough day. Actually, I think I am struggling a bit right now in general. I think I am having a moment where I am trying to figure out where I am going next in life, and what I want out of it. I am a little unhappy--not in a huge or disturbing way. Not in a way that anyone can change or it's anyone's fault. I just find myself looking out the window and feel like there is something I'm supposed to be doing, and I can't figure out what it is. I ask myself, "What is it I want? If I could do anything in the world right now, what would it be?" And I can't quite figure it out. It's like I have pieces of it, but I can't put it together. I feel this sensation of having something on the tip of my tongue; a fabulous word or thought and I can't quite get it. So I am just waiting, because I really think it will come to me. One day I'll be standing in the grocery store, or washing my hair, and BAM! It will come to me. I hope soon.

I just feel a little morose. But I am only giving myself a few days to wallow around in self-pity, and then I will order myself to snap out of it. After all, it's not like my house was destroyed in a tsunami or earthquake. Or like I am looking for lost relatives. I do have perspective.

When my girls cry with heartache, when they hurt, I crawl into bed with them and whisper into their ears all the things I love about them, tell them they are beautiful, that they have a divine purpose and how amazing they are. I stroke their hair and wipe away tears. And I guess that's one of the crappy things about being an adult. Although you do get to drive and eat dessert first and be done with school, no one crawls into your bed and holds your hand and strokes your hair and tells you that you are beautiful and amazing. And I wish I weren't too old for that.

Okay, I know that was over-the-top pathetic and cheesebally and you are gagging your last meal. That's how sad and pathetic my self-pity is today. I do want to say I am not writing this because I need you to write a comment to make me feel better. But I do want to know that sometimes other people feel this same way. That I am not completely ridiculous.

I really am okay. I am just having a rough week. But this made me majorly smile so you have to watch it:



Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My Family Plans

Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.

I would like to have another kid (Gary, why do you look like you are going to throw up? Wait, where are you going? The snippy doctor?) but I don't want to actually be pregnant again, and I don't want do the first year so it would be really great for me if someone could show up at my front door with a nice, non-ugly, well-behaved baby. It would go something like this:
door: ding dong
me: hello?
random person: Hi, here's a non-ugly, well-behaved baby. I found it lying around my house and it doesn't really work for me, and you look like a great mom, so here you go.
me: awesome! Thanks! Gary, where are you going?

I know you are wondering why I might want four kids. That would mean four expensive airplane seats and a lot of grandkids to fit in the house for Christmas in thirty-odd years. But let's face it, I don't really have a lot of talents besides the fact that I can play mercy with my toes. I can't really sing, I can write but not THAT well, I'm not that stylish, can't really craft, and the list goes on and on. But I am good at kids. Not perfect mom good (Lord knows that's a fact), but I genuinely enjoy it and I like having a lot of kids in the back of my car. I like that we take up a lot of sidewalk on family bike rides, I like when we all pile on my bed to read together or watch movies and eat popcorn. I like watching their different personalities emerge, and I like knowing they will always have each other. Plus, the forced manual labor force is not bad either.

When I put away my kids clothes they have grown out of, I mourn for each piece. I know that sounds dramatic, but it is sadly true. I have memories attached to each outfit, and I know that that part of their life as well as mine is over forever. I know they are a little less innocent, a little less childlike. And that's okay, I enjoy watching them take the world on and witnessing their new phases, but it's hard for me to say good-bye. I kiss each little dress or baby shoe and put it away in the bin (or send it on to Goodwill). Then I close the lid on that part of their life. Oh my gosh, that sentence was so horribly sad I may need to go get a whiff of Jack's latest poopy diaper to pull myself back into reality. Either that or eat some chocolate while crying to the end of Moulin Rouge.

So that's what I'm thinking today. Geez, that was depressing. Now to cheer up, let's watch a funny video of Jack trying to say fudgesicle.
(Other funny things he's saying lately:
ek-kew me (excuse me)
tha kiwi! (that's scary!)
PUP KIN! (pumpkin!)



Last night, Gary had a meeting in Orlando, and the kids were all crabby, and the house was destroyed so I threw them in the back of the car and we went to get a pumpkin and a treat. By the time I got everyone in, and I climbed in the front seat Jack was poking Emma's eyes out and Laura was crying about some drama or another so I turned around and said, "Okay people, here's the deal. We're all crabby and tired but now we are going to have fun. So clam up." And they did. See what I mean about being an amazing mom? Gosh, I'm good.

Anyway, we got our pumpkin at the patch, and then went to Books-a-million for their frozen hot chocolate, which I love. And I counted calories ALL DAY for that baby. I had a rice cake w/pb on it for brunch, and an apple and almonds for snack, and a salad for dinner. I EARNED that frozen hot chockey (as jack would say) and yes, it was worth it. So I'm standing at the counter to get out treat, and Jack is saying, "Book! Book!" and Emma and Laura are looking at the treats and two people sitting nearby are giving me dirty looks because my toddler is not whispering about his love for books, and I'm like, People, it's a bookstore, not a library. So suck it.
Then this old guy says the ultimate insult: "Wow, you have your hands full with those kids, don't you?" This is the rudest thing you can say to me, besides, "Guess you haven't lost your baby weight yet." Because what this phrase really means is: "Your kids are loud and you are not that great at keeping them disciplined." And trust me, I can discipline them. My kids are not THOSE kids who run around a store and break things because I beat them regularly to make sure of it. (I'm joking DCF, joking.) Anyway, I kind of stared at him and tried to smile while the angel on my shoulder reminded me that he meant no harm. It's a good thing that my frozen hot chocolate made it all worth it. And I was happy when Jack ecstatically exclaimed, "I CREEM!" when he got his milkshake. I hope his joy made them miserable.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Laying Low

Jack and I are under the weather. So I will post our Labor Day pics tomorrow.

Here is a quick list of things we've been thinking about lately:

Right now I am reading Mockingjay, The Red Queen (probably another Phillipa Gregory disappointment, but I keep going back for more), and The Dead Travel Fast in honor of the upcoming scary season. It's not as quite as delicious as her Lady Julia Grey books, but I am still a fan of Deanna Raybourn. Just not the new covers Mira designed. They are like a gunne sax fashion nightmare dressed up as a bodice ripper. A shame, because the books are so good. They went from this to this.

Emma is reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. She is just about to start the Gregor the Overlander series. Laura is reading Judy Moody and the Arthur books, which makes me want to take a trip to the Boston Children's Museum to see the Arthur exhibit. They have also pulled out the Halloween/Fall book box and are having fun with scary stories. Jack likes Baby Is Tired, The Runaway Bunny, and The Big Red Barn.

My kids are IN LOVE with this tv show: Unnatural History on Cartoon Network. I like it because for once it's a show where the kids are intelligent and the show is quick and funny. I am pretty picky about what they watch...I don't even let them watch iCarly or Hannah Montana. So finally there is something I can get on board with.

I am watching pretty much nothing. I want to be watching Modern Family, which everyone has raved about, but it's not at the library, we don't have a video rental store anymore, and you can't watch it online so, so far I'm out of luck. On abc.com it SAYS you can watch it online for free, but this is a LIE as they only show two-minute clips. And I want to watch it from the beginning since I just think that's the way it should be. I did just get the first season of Arrested Development from a friend, so that's good. Other than that, it's just Wiggles around the clock since it makes Jack happy. He dances and yells NUMMY NUMMY when they sing "yummy yummy." And while we're talking about it, I hate the new guy that replaced Greg. When you watch A LOT of the wiggles, it really gives you a chance to analyze and obsess. I've decided that when Greg sang to the kids, he was sincere. Sam is like a musical theater performer, just putting on a show. He does not deserve to wear the yellow shirt.

Moving on. I really like Downeast Basics, and I really love the prices. They have cute stuff for girls, too. I have my eye on the Best Friends dress for the girls. I am waiting for it to go on sale.

As far as the food in my life goes, I just checked out my first Jamie Oliver cookbook from the library. I really love the library.

Okay, have I bored you enough? Alright, then. I am going to eat and go to bed. I don't feel so good.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Jack, Mommy's in a bad mood. Let's make mad faces. That's not very mad. Come on, pretend like you can't afford botox.

Ok, forget it.

Come on, Laura, wallow with me. Be mad. The world may be your oyster, but guess what? Oysters are gross.


I'm in a crabby mood. I don't know if it's because it's Friday the 13th or because school is starting or because it's a bad time of month if you know what i'm sayin and I think you do, or I because I stayed up late watching a show about the Navy Seals training on the Military Channel. I don't know how I found it but it was awesome. And every time they did their thousandth push up I hurt for them while I laid there in my nice, cushy bed.

I am so crabby. Today I am dumping any blogs where the mom is a little too happy or cute or perfect. Also some of these really tacky craft blogs. Seriously, is it just me, or who would put a huge wooden die (as in dice) on their coffee table just because somebody did it on a blog? Or this other blog where this girl transformed a shirt into something so awful my friend Mandy actually called me on the phone about it and we laughed so hard. Now I'm just being mean, but the point is I think there is such pressure to perform on blogs, you know, to be super crafty or creative or super mom and how can anyone live up to that? I stopped trying a looooong time ago, people. I mean, Lord knows I'm not crafty for crap but just be yourself, I guess, stop trying so hard. You've either got it or you don't, and I know I don't so there's no pressure there.

Then, I saved up enough money to take a writing class at the non-credit division of the community college. I know what you're thinking: from this blog honey, I would not waste the time. I know, I know, but I don't really try here, or proofread, I just kind of try to keep the flying milk bottles away from my computer and that's about as good as it gets. Anyway, I look at the schedule and there are two piddly writing classes, as opposed to last semester's six. And they are bland, and not even taught by an author. I am so disappointed. Also disappeared? The French 2 class I wanted to take. I really wanted to do something for myself and now I don't know what to do.

So as you can tell, I am now officially wallowing in self-pity and crabbiness. And really, this is the kind of post where I should probably give it a day before I hit "publish," but I'm going to just let it rip anyway. After all, there are these children who vaguely look like me circling my table asking for crazy things like food and attention. Children are so egocentric. It's so rude.

As soon as Gary gets here, we are going to go get something to eat, then I'm going to go to Target and buy a bike. Then maybe I'll get a basket to put small dogs in and let the "Wicked Witch from the West" music accompany me.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

There will be no vampires around here tonight.

Yes, that is my Mac underneath Jack.
This is what happens when you are focusing more on garlic than your child.

Today was the last day of school. Tomorrow, we can sleep in and eat a leisurely (or is that leh-zure-ly?) breakfast. Then we will head to the ever-so-Magic Kingdom to catch the summer parade and fireworks before our passes head into the blackout dates for the summer.

After talking with a good friend of mine, I have decided that I am not eating any sugar, breads, dairy (except for a bit of butter) for about a month, until we leave for vacation. My body is just dragging. I have been craving sugary carby things for months, I have hives, and sores in my mouth (ew! gag! TMI!). All signs of being too sugary/yeasty. This has happened to me before and I cut all sugary/yeasty foods out and was able to heal. I am a protein kind of girl so I kind of enjoy it actually-- AFTER THE FIRST WEEK OF HELL.

That's right, I have hit the sugar withdrawal mode. And it is ugly. All I want to do is tear open the pantry and pour chocolate chips down my throat chased by cookies, dark chocolate granola bars and the homemade oreo cookies I baked the other day. I have visions of chocolate cakes dancing before my eyes. Oh boy, I've got to change the subject.

So anyway, for dinner I made tilapia with lots of olive oil and garlic. I mean LOTS of garlic. Have I ever mentioned that I could like marry garlic and have little garlic salt children?? I love it. Not only did I cook the fish with garlic in the pan, but then I put fresh slices in a bowl with olive oil and let them marinate together for a good while. Since I don't have any bread to dip it in (which is the BEST) I poured the whole thing over my fish and broccoli. It was truly heavenly, people, but now I am fire-breathing garlic. My family will not come within three feet of me. I am planning on eating more tomorrow and letting it really build up in my system. I want it to just ooze out of my pores. Oh yeah. I finally found the secret to getting everyone to leave me alone for a few cotton-pickin' minutes.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

gary's bday



whether we like it or not, care or not, we are getting older. gary is heading into the forties faster than I am, and the latest milestone for him this month. 39. hang on to your thirties for twelve more months, baby!

for his bday we went to c'est la vie in sarasota and gorged ourselves on french food. jack enjoyed himself as well. we made sure to take home a bag full of pastries. we sat outside and listened to the french language.

then i went home and sang a french lullaby "Fais Do Do" (I like the Lisa Loeb version) to jack as i rocked him before his nap. I will say to jack, "Fais do do?" And he will shake his head NO! (It means "go to sleep." Other favorite songs to sing (look them up on itunes) "Thanks a Lot" by Raffi, and "A la Claire Fontaine." I also catch myself singing songs from Peter Pan and Mary Poppins. Now someone tell me how this post went from gary's bday to lullaby recommendations. Ah, that's what happens when your brain is broken.

anyway, I would post links to the songs, but I don't know how.

also, hoping to see the shuttle launch friday (only three left!) in cape caneveral so when you see it lift off you can think of me. or the astronauts. or what you're going to have for dinner. whatever works.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

oh boy.

Well my friends, sorry I have not posted in a bit. I have an appt. with my doctor next Tuesday as I have a sneaking suspicion my thyroid needs to be readjusted. My body has slowed down to what feels like a dead stop and now I can feel the clouds of depression moving in. I have been down this road enough times to know it is what it is. The fortunate thing is that I've learned to listen to my body and what it is trying to tell me, so I made my appointment as soon as I put the clues together. So hopefully next week or so I will be back to whatever shade of normal I am. Right now I am trying to focus my small amount of energy on the things that I absolutely have to do, like a. brushing my teeth, and b. making sure my kids stay alive. That's pretty much it. Today all my energy went to work, so I came home and Jack and I laid on the floor and watched The Wiggles and ate chocolate chip cookies for lunch.

In the meantime, here are some pics of Jack's past couple days.

wrestling with Daddy.


Snuggling with sister.

Skateboarding.

Rappelling up the side of my dirty fridge.

Well, now you know I am fulfilling my promise to keep to reality blogging, anyway.

Monday, April 12, 2010



So today has been slow.

Jack is fighting a cold and was up ALL NIGHT LONG. He was in bed with us most of the night, which sounds romantic but is really horrible because he's a total bed hog who kicks you in the face and pushes you off your side of the bed. He cried and cried and I rocked him and walked with him and it felt like having a newborn again. Which is not a memory I would like to revisit right now.

So I am tired today. I feel like I am one evolutionary step above a slug. And it's a small step.

Anyway, so at one point this morning I just wanted to totally sit in front of my computer and veg and let the drool run out of one side of my mouth and neglect my child for just three minutes IS THAT SO WRONG? Yes, apparently it is.

Somehow the thought penetrated into my brain sloooowly and with difficulty that it was really quiet. The bad kind of quiet, not the good kind where everyone is in bed and you are having time for yourself. I wasn't too worried since I have all my gates up and cabinet locks on and all that jazz, but I looked around the corner and my super fabulous husband left the bathroom door open after he did his biz, so sure enough, there is Jack, up to his elbows in the toilet. He is shredding toilet paper that he threw in to play with and splashing all over the place, happy as a clam.

I hollered in a really grossed out way and he looked up at me with a quizzical look that was like, "What, is this not okay?" I carried him away from my body up the stairs and tossed his behind in the tub.

At least afterward I got to rock him to sleep, with his baby body smelling so good and lavender-y. I love nuzzling my nose in his hair and kissing his eyelids as he drifts off. I have to do this now, because he's a boy, so it won't be long and he won't let me do that anymore.

Then I came downstairs intending to do all my chores but I was soooo tired that I made homemade salsa instead and ate Dove chocolates. What, is that not okay?

Jack, not in the toilet.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I may just stay in bed.

So, I am sick. I mean, like I have been in bed for two days, sick. My throat is as big as.... something big and my head hurts like.... something that hurts bad. And my ears hurt, too. Sorry, trouble thinking.

Anyway, I ventured downstairs tonight and Jack looks like a poor white trash toddler and my kids haven't had their hair brushed for school in two days, and my kitchen floor has some sort of sticky residue all over it. The dining room looks like it threw up Valentine's cards and treats. And I keep finding bits of red lollipop all over the place, I think where Jack must have dropped pieces of his happy find.

I asked Laura tonight what she had for breakfast. "Oh, a granola bar. It was AWESOME." She's been watching Yo Gabba Gabba, obviously.
"What did you have for dinner?" "Waffles and girl scout cookies." Well, at least it wasn't McDonalds. And that probably explains the sticky residue on the floor.

Gary's doing pretty well though, I think, considering the whole work-full-time thing while meshing the raising of the children and running of the household. Not as well as I would have done, but you can't all be me.

And they are alive and uninjured (save for Jack's big bump on his noggin).

So I took more Tylenol, nibbled on a Tagalong, and I am going back to bed.
I wish my children the best of luck.

Friday, January 29, 2010

still catching up

I feel like I am just constantly playing catch up. Soooo much to do. So much I haven't done. I just took library books back late and paid a big ol' fat fine. Laura's Flat Daisy (for girl scouts) is due in February and I haven't even sent it out yet. Tuesday night I ran Emma up and down the street to sell girl scout cookies. My very organized neighbor asked me, "Aren't these due tonight?" Me: "Yes," as we quickly push the stroller down the sidewalk to another house. I am not usually like this. I usually have nice lists where I cross off each item I need to do. Lately, I can't even figure out where I put the list nor find a pen that even works. And Gary is working a lot. A lot. He is gone in the evenings and on Saturdays. Can't be helped, so I try not to get upset, and he hates it. Tonight, two of my girlfriends called and said they were picking me up in ten minutes. I passed Jack to Gary and rushed out the door. All we did was go to a couple craft stores, and I really don't have much of a craft aptitude, but it was so nice to get out. I felt a little more refreshed when I came back home. Which is good, because Gary works tomorrow for most of the day. I am going to try and work on some long-neglected projects. And read. Read, read, read. And send out Flat Daisy.


Quickly.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Another dose of blog reality.


Jack, wishing his mom would stop blogging and make him some dang Christmas cookies already

I personally think that out of all the blogs read by the six people on the planet who read this one, mine should definitely be your favorite.

Why? I will never make you feel bad about yourself. I am not crafty, I am not really so very talented, and I can't make crap. Seriously. So you will never read this blog and say, "Wow, I wish I were a mom like her. She's so amazing, like the perfect woman." No, instead you will say, "Damn, I'm doing pretty good."

What brings this on? Well this is about the time when I get the Christmas poop-out. Not literally, after all we haven't eaten at Gary's family's yet. Ha ha ha ha just a little joke if anyone from his family reads this. Yikes. Anyway, I always have BIG PLANS for Christmas on Dec. 1st. But by this time, I feel like most of it hasn't happened and I don't know how to squeeze it all in.

I still have baking, shopping, and lots of blah blah blah to do. And I have exactly two and a half days to do it. I need a personal assistant or something.

Also, I am very frustrated that I can't find peppermint ice cream. I LOVE peppermint ice cream at Christmas. I have been all over creation, to three different stores in one day, and no peppermint ice cream. I did complain about this at The Greatest Grocery Store in the Entire World (Publix, of course, although the Monoprix in France ain't bad either, n'est pas, kind of like a Target in France). They said in their helpful, Publix-y way, "Well maam, we have Santa Claus ice cream!" I was able to stop myself from throwing myself prostrate on the ground and yelling, "BUT I DON'T WANT SANTA CLAUS ICE CREAM! I WANT PEPPERMINT ICE CREAM!!" But I didn't, because it's a small town and all that. Probably the one time I throw a tantrum the boy-I-haven't-seen-since-we-went-to-prom-together-who-dumped-me-because-I-wouldn't-have-sex-will be there and see me for the first time in all my glory. So there goes that idea.

Well, I have to go. It's time to make a list of all the spiritual/material/physical/bubbly/sparkly Christmas things we haven't done yet.

Oh, and if you haven't gotten a Christmas card from me yet, take heart. I finally ordered them today. With any luck you'll get them before Valentine's.

p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARLENE!!! Don't freeze your Boston buns off on your birthday!!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Well, I still probably had a better day than Tiger Woods.

I have an announcement to make to everyone: I have finally showered.
But that's pretty much it.

So what happens when Mom can barely get off the couch?

The kids paaaaar-tay.

My best example:

At about 6:00 I realized my kids probably needed to eat.
So I shuffled to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door.
It was pretty bare inside.
But it did have two pieces of cold pizza and pumpkin pie.
Guess what my kids had for dinner?
As I told my friend Kymmie tonight, my kids were so happy, it was like Christmas came early.
Jack shoved every tasty pumpkin-y morsel as far back in his yapper as humanly possible.
He made me laugh to watch.
Which kind of hurt.

Then he made me a super awesome early Christmas present in his diaper to the point that I had to throw his stinky behind in the tub.

Now all is quiet. Gary leaves tomorrow for the weekend.
So I am basically plotting on a map all my possible take-out options.

Tomorrow I think I will take a picture for you of my family room. It looks like it should be cordoned off as a hazardous area.
Just keepin' it real, ya'll.

Good night.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Projects


I kept Emma's eyes red in honor of the new twilight movie ;)



Today I am cleaning. How is that different from yesterday? Good question. I don't know.

There is a sister in our ward, about my mom's age, that I adore. She is moving at the end of December as her husband has been transferred. I am heartbroken. She is like another grandmother to my children, and they adore her. She always makes me feel better about myself, and is so supportive in motherhood, which is probably because she had five kids.

So I talked to her on the phone and told her of my frustration. "I am not having much luck scouring my disaster of a house with Jack clinging to my legs." I was pretty down about it. I will say for the five hundredth time on this blog, I don't do well with chaos.

In record time she was at the door of my house, there to pick him up. Laura was also home, as she is fighting a cold. She scooped them up and put them in her car. I really resisted. I have a need to be independent. I don't like to ask for help. I want to be able to do everything myself. I am always afraid of being the whiny, needy person. But she told me I would actually be doing her a favor, as she misses her grandchildren dearly. See how I told you she ends up making me feel better???

So I have been attacking my kids' closet. Yes, that is closet, not closets. I live, again, in a 100 year old house, and I have THREE small closets in my entire house. So my kids share one closet. It takes a lot of rejiggering to get everything in there in an orderly fashion. So I have been working on that closet and finished Jack's room, with dusting and all the little things involved in a cleaning. I really think I could clean for three straight days and only take two potty breaks in the meantime and maybe then I would be done. And because I am the queen of unfinished projects, I have already started taking out my Christmas decorations, yeesh.

So, while I was working, (daytime tv bugs me) I listened to Dennis Prager. I adore Dennis Prager. He is pretty much the only radio show I ever listen to. He is so thoughtful, and fair, and un-blowhard-y, I can deal. I also love that he only talks about politics for awhile. The rest of the time is on issues... the male/female hour, the happiness hour, etc.

Today was the happiness hour, and the subject was something I've been thinking a lot about lately. It was about what really matters in our children's lives, as opposed to all the things we want to give them. It was about helping your children (and yourself) to learn how to be truly happy, no matter what their situation is in life. I feel like I understand and believe in the concept, but to actually implement it in my own life is difficult because I often struggle with what I like to call The Mother Guilt. As I straightened I tried to really think about what my kids will remember about their childhood, and what will be happy memories for them. I try hard hard hard to really instill in my brain that it will be the happy times we spend together that they will remember, rather than if I bought them every American Girl doll in existence.

Sometimes I feel bad because they don't have what I like to think are important childhood things, like a treehouse, or swingset, or something. Don't laugh at me, I'm serious. But then I have to balance that by remembering that my kids get to run up and down the street barefooted with some great neighborhood kids. They got to play around-the-house freeze tag yesterday until the there was no more light left to be had. I could hear them collapsing with laughter outside while I made dinner.

I saw an Oprah show once where the family never interacted. They came home from work/school with take-out. They each grabbed their respective dinners, then retreated to their own bedrooms where they ate, watched tv, texted their friends (and family members), and played games. They never had family outings or played outside. Sad, isn't it?

So I guess, after listening to his show, my job is just to stop projecting my own feelings/worries/neurosis onto my kids' childhood. I could say this to anyone with great sincerity, but to do it myself, is the harder task. I have to remember that our spending time together, talking, laughing, being, is what will cement their spirits better than my checklist of what I think they should have.

Now, I've got to get back to my bedroom. So I will close this without reading it over and editing my rambling in any way. I hope this made sense.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Having Technical Difficulties

So, I am sorry I haven't posted for awhile. I am not dead. Although, technically, I could be!!! Haha, I wrote that with a laugh. Anyway, there's no easy way to put this, so here goes. This week I was hit by a car. No, not in my car. I mean ME. Hit by a car. My delicate, darling body. And it is dear to me, it's the only one I've got. Crazy, no?

SO, I was walking across a parking lot after a girl scout meeting. Suffice it to say, he was going fast, wasn't looking, and I was like a deer in the headlights. Literally. I didn't have time to move, and I got to know the grille of his car very well.

I am sore, VERY SORE, oh so sore, but somehow, okay. Just going to the doctor and having some exams/tests done to make sure all is well.

The miraculous part, is that I didn't have my kids with me. I went to the meeting with all three, but the girls decided to catch a ride with someone else, and CRAZILY Gary called me and said, "Hey, I finished my mtg (WHICH NEVER HAPPENS), how about I come and pick up Jack?" So that's why I didn't have a baby in my arms when this happened.

I am being lighthearted in this post, because enough time has officially gone by that we can now make jokes about it. Plus, I'm not dead, so that helps. It's so much harder to make jokes about a dead person.

Lightheartedness aside, it was really quite horrible, and upsetting, and I'm glad that I am fine. So just give me a couple more days and I will get back into the swing of things. I think. Until then, here is a picture for you:



The story behind this picture is that all of a sudden jack has decided that it is a good idea to get up at five in the morning. he goes back to sleep just about when it is time to get up. thoughtful, no?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


guess it's time to put that shirt away.

The wind is whipping through the trees today. I live on a river, which flows into Tampa Bay and the Gulf of Mexico, so when the wind gets going it just funnels right down the river. Today the trees are bending and twisting like a baby tropical storm; the wind whistling through my screens so loudly I keep thinking it's Jack, awake from his nap. There is something about it that lulls me into inactivity, so I am here, sitting on my bed, instead of doing something productive like I should be.

Here is what I am thinking as I sit unproductively:

1. My Everyday Food magazine came today. Hooray!

2. My ebay Halloween accessories better get here in the next day or two.

3. I really should vacuum my floor.

4. Yesterday was nice. Yesterday there was no school--record day. So all three kids were home and Gary was working in his office. About two o'clock I went into his office, after cleaning the third spilled drink and having all my projects strewn around the house.
"I've gotta get out of here."
"What do you want to do?" he asked from behind his computer screen.
"I don't know. Sit in a bookstore. I just have to get out."
(You have to realize, too, that Gary is gone almost every night of the week. So it's just me, mostly, with the kids. )
"Okay, go."
"Really?" (Don't you tease me, I'm thinking).
"Yeah, Jack's going down for his nap. The girls can entertain themselves. Go ahead."
So I did.
We have a pretty good system. Gary's outlet is wakeboarding, and he takes off Saturday mornings with a friend and whenever else he can. He takes the girls, so it used to be a break for me too. But now that jack jack attack is here, it's not the same. And he, thankfully, understands the need to have your own time. So he is as supportive as possible on this.
****************************
My friend Maria was the first one who introduced me to thrift stores. She is from Spain, and gorgeous. I would see her at the bus stop in these amazing outfits and to die for shoes, ready for work. I would try to keep my drool from hitting her Italian leather pumps when I asked her where she got them. She would look right at me, answer without hesistation, "Goodwill."
"Shut up," I would say, "Are you serious?"
"Yes," she would say in her thick accent, "I get almost all my things from there."
Francesca, my other friend, was the next one. She is Italian, and a model. Like a for-real model. She has worked all over Europe, Japan, South Africa, and of course, the U.S. She is beautiful, but also very humble, and you will see her in my Depeche Mode concert pics (if I ever post them). Anyway, she gets tons of things at Goodwill, thrift stores, consignment shops. She just got a wetsuit for her daughters for $5.
Once I was at a fundraiser when the women next to me was showing off her beautiful Coach shoes. She bragged about how she got them at a consignment shop for next to nothing.
The trick to successful thrift store/consignment shopping is to shop in the best neighborhoods. The places where women wear things for one season and give them away. You can find clothes in perfect condition, all kinds of brand names.

So back to yesterday. I was heading toward the bookstore when I got distracted by a sign at one of the thrift stores in a great part of town. Halloween sale! So I pulled in for a quick check. Two hours later, I came out having spent $30. I got shorts, capris, skirts, dresses for the girls, a Polo romper for Jack. I left with J. Crew, Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Gymboree, and Polo. I really don't care much about brand names, but I just wanted to make the point that it's well-made clothing. Fun stuff. Went home, threw it all in the washer and walked in the family room a much more relaxed person.

Maybe too relaxed, 'cause I'm still sitting here on my bed, looking out the window at white-capped waves, beating up against the dock.

Friday, October 16, 2009

things that suck


three of my blessings.
one of them blessed me with a present floating in the tub tonight.
it was awesome.
it went like this:
jack, are you ready to get out of the tubby?
why are you crouching down, bubby?
oh, no. no no no no no no. wait! no!
no! get your hands off it! GARY!!!
*********

Aren't I a totally eloquent writer? Don't you love my thoughtful and awe-inspiring posts?
I am a little frustrated and my usual dvr-ed shows are not pulling me out of my slump enough.

I have decided, after much consideration and deep thought, that being poor sucks. I mean really, really, super-dooper sucks. I have been soooo positive lately. Thinking all kinds of thoughts like, --"you know, this has really helped me to learn how to be thrifty and budget-conscious."
or this pearl:
--"I am learning that we are really a happy family and that's what counts, not the fact that I am wearing the same shirt I bought three years ago for the 555th time."
And all those things are true. Truly. And I have bought some dang awesome things at Goodwill and thrift stores that I am mighty proud of (exhibit A: Emma's $50 Hanna Andersson clogs I found brand new for $2.99). And really, my children are healthy and happy and my life is good and of my choosing.

But.
I am giving myself just tonight to throw a good old fashioned hiss and feel sorry for myself. I would advise you to click this blog closed now before you get sucked in to my shame spiral.
Okay, you were warned.

Actually, I typed a whole list of worries about upcoming costs ($300 thyroid test, Gary's $400 car bill) but then stopped because I realized I'm just being ridiculous and selfish. Boo hoo, poor me. The reality is, someone always has it better than you, someone always has it worse. And really, normally, I'm fine. It's just today...today I feel tired. But it's 11:29 and so today is almost over, anyway.

There are two songs we sing at church that have been going through my mind this week. The first one is "Count Your Blessings," about...you guessed it! Counting your blessings. So I do.
I have a husband who adores me.
I have happy, healthy, beautiful children.
I have a home.

I have dear friends and good family.

The second song is "Have I Done Any Good?" Which is about...right again!....serving others. It goes like this:

Have I done any good in the world today?
Have I helped any one in need?
Have I cheered up the sad, and made someone feel glad?
If not, I have failed, indeed.

Has anyone's burden been lightened today, because I was willing to care?
Have the sick and the needy, been helped on their way?

When they needed my help was I there?

Then wake up, and do something more
than dream of your mansions above.
Doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure,
A blessing of duty and love.
During general conference we were reminded about service, in this beautiful talk titled, "What Have I done for Someone Today?"
We were encouraged gently and lovingly to focus on others rather than ourselves. This is something I am striving to work on.
Life is often very hard. Very hard. It can be relentless. In my opinion, it is part of our progression. We can kick against it (which I guess I am doing tonight), or grow.
After tonight, anyway.
Besides, I have to go scrub my tub.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

my thoughts tonight

Right after my sweet jack was born. suffering from the effects of a c-section and a lot of blood lost

I wish I were a better mother.


When I was growing up, my desire to be a mother was tremendous. I remember walking home from school alone, and thinking of what my future family would be like. I remember when bad things would happen; when peer pressure was strong I would think, "this doesn't matter, because one day I will have my own family and I will know who I am and that is all that will matter."


Now, I have my own family. I am a mother. I am happy to be a mother. I don't think I had any rose-colored ideas about motherhood. I did not think it would be perfect. But I did not think that --me, being me--would be this hard.


I love my children dearly. Probably more than they will know in this life. But I feel I fail them every day. And they are growing so fast, their childhoods are slipping through my fingers. I wanted to be this amazing mom. I was going to craft with them, and their rooms would be decorated perfectly. I would make amazing things for them and be present from sun-up to sundown.


I just didn't think challenges would be so difficult. I struggle with depression, I am really battling postpartum depression right now. And I swear, how do I do what I want to do when it takes all my energy to do the basic things, the bare minimum?

When I am short with them, when I tell them "not now," when I sit in a corner and read a book rather than get on the floor and play with them...I hate myself over it.


I am not expecting to be perfect. And I get that it's okay to have time for me. I just feel like by the time I "fix myself," they won't be interested in spending time with me anymore. What if they look back in life and their childhood was not what I hoped for it to be?


Does anyone else have these thoughts? I look at other blogs sometimes and the mothers seem so perfect and present. I am not so witty about coming up with superfab crafts.


I do love them. They know they are loved. I kiss their baby bodies all day long. I tell them I love them. I read to them. I take walks with them. I talk to them. I sing with them. But I don't have an amazing bedtime routine, or fantastic field trips, or hats decoupaged by me on their birthdays. I don't make decorations by hand, I don't know how to sew. Sigh. I think I'm rambling now.


I don't need to be perfect, but I don't want to have any regrets. I don't want them to look back on their childhood and have memories of a mother who could only give 40%.


I pray about this every night. I am struggling with this.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

meow kitty cat

why do women tear other women down? why are we our own worst enemies? we are so ready to tell another woman How She Is Doing Everything Wrong.
a. you're not breastfeeding/are breastfeeding/didn't bf long enough/bf'ed too long. Therefore you are a bad mother.
b. you spank/don't spank. you suck again, mommy.
c. you focus too much on yourself.
d. you are depressed/never been depressed/depression is just an excuse for lazy women.

these are just the ones I've heard today. I'm not going to write much more tonight because I am tired, tired, tired, pmsing and on the long road back from ppd/ just got in from our (wonderful) vacation at 1 am last night/and I just realized I have to figure out how to pay for school clothes and supplies for TWO kids in a month. Sigh.

All will be well, all will be well. the comments here
just make me a little down.
seriously, what is wrong with us?? I've got my I-am-woman-hear-me-roar claws out.
so tomorrow, tell your fav women what you love about them.
i mean it.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

keep smiling

I am dragging, dragging, dragging today.
It is a hard week. Bad news seems to keep ringing the doorbell for a visit. I tried to tell them that my house was a mess and I was out of snacks so really, there must be somewhere else they'd like to go. But no such luck. I had always heard these things come in three's, but apparently it was a slow week somewhere so they decided to come in droves. Ah, well.
So, I have decided to post some funny pictures for you. They put a smile on my face, anyway.
At the end, I will post the Memorial Day pictures. G. and I decide to make sure every MD we get the family to a Memorial Day service in the morning. It's an important tradition we want to establish; a good start to the day before we have fun as a family.











Memorial Day at Veteran's Memorial Park

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow.....

I have got to remember to turn these pictures around first.

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